The Palace of Illusions

It came recommended by two people - an avid reader friend who raved about it and my mum, who was matter of fact about it. The opening surprised me, probably by the language employed. For some reason, I find it hard to to reconcile with Draupadi talking about houseflies farting and buttocks and such like. I cant quite get the word to describe the disconnect; maybe I expect a certain lofty prose and gravitas associated with mythology that Divakaruni Bannerjee's book fails to provide. I think I will reconcile to the language in a couple of chapters and write a more objective review.
The word for the feeling I described is, 'anachronism'.
That's what is amiss. I cannot reconcile to contemporary language in a story with a period setting. Is this even considered period? Hell No. Its a myth.

Three days and a hundred odd pages later, I think I have made my peace with the language. Actually, I don't see the anachronistic language popping up again. The gravitas has been restored and its tinged with a slight bit of drama that I can make my peace with.
Its a page turner and that's quite something for a mythological piece.My memories of mythology are tainted with preachy overtones that totally put me off. At least this one is not like that.
Five days into the book I have reached, what can be described as the singular event that made an epic out of the Mahabharatha - the Vastraharan. I was angry as I read her version of events. I was bristling at her five able bodied husbands who sat there watching her humiliation. I rage with her, at the injustice of the men of the world. I think again of Nirbhaya and how, not much has changed.If the Mahabharata did actually occur, it was a patriarchal setup that attached zilch importance to women then and is so now.
I was sad today at the murder of Abhimanyu, orchestrated by Drona, Karna and the others, flouting all rules of righteous war.
'So Abhimanyu fell, his beautiful face turned toward the women's tent where Uttara waited, his eyes filled with astonishment at the perfidy of men he'd respected as heroes. And his killers- so greatly had war altered them-roared their triumph like beasts.'
Angry at Drona, for being a blood-thirsty elder and at Karna the righteous who was swayed by the blood heat of battle.

wishlist

Dear Me,

This is my wishlist for 2014:
1. I want to lose 7 kilos by the end of the year.I'd then be at my ideal body weight.
2. I will not shop until October this year.
3. I will get a license and drive myself.
4. I will work on my marriage.
5. I want to travel to Bhutan and one other location for a vacation- Gujarat maybe. I want one to be a child free vacation
6. I will pursue my love of food, by innovating and cooking healthier meals.
7. I will gather from my mum and periamma and mil a collection of traditional recipes in a handmade book. My heirloom.
8. I will bake in my porcelain bakeware.
9. I will get Athru to be a better human.
10. I will socialise more.

how do i protect my baby?

Today my eyes well up, as I pick up Athar at school.
The maid has bunked right after taking a hefty loan from me. I spent the morning hassled and raging about the errant maid. She made me yell at the spouse and Athar, both- I was snapping at them dawdling over morning tasks. I decided to work from home and go pick up the child early, because he has a cough and I'd rather he stay home.
So turns out, he fell down in school- jostled accidentally by another child. His teacher explains that they iced the spot and he is better now. I see a slight bump where he hurt himself.
What really upset me is how the teacher explained that , Atharva is an adorable child and not at all aggressive. Should I be proud of him? My little slightly built angel never even mentioned the fall to me. Long forgotten. Resilient.
Even when older kids snatch things from him, he doesn't snatch it back.
He looks bewildered and moves on to another toy.
Do I wish he was a little more assertive, a wee bit aggressive ?
I am not sure.
But I sure as hell know, that he gets it from his mum who gets bullied by mere maids and his father who will melt at the very hint of a sob story.

Of milestones and learnings

July has been a month of great progress, parenting-wise and couple-wise.
Atharva is finally susu trained. He has been telling us when he needs to pee and one of us is hauling him to the loo. About time too- He will be 3, come September.
The brat is also getting really good with observing, mimicking and making up tales.
After a brief phase of disobedience that had us tearing our hair out and me crying copious amounts about the lacunae in my parenting skills, we are back to being civilized and sweet.
The big birthday decision has been made. we are taking the weekend off to travel to Mysore to see the Zoo, explore the museums and do the stuff that Atharva wants. Spares me the agony of planning a birthday party.

Of course I'll send muffins to school and suchlike.

Satisfaction is ...

a pair of perfect brown suede shoes, that don't cost a bomb.
I am not a sucker for laden shopping bags. All those do to me- guilt.

why is to so hard to be superwoman

Why is it so hard for me to do it all. Be the super-fit 30 something woman, on top of things mom and super-cool wife.

In which I learn something new

Inspired by a recent spate of not so encouraging events in my professional life, I realize that I need a plan B. A plan B that does not involve a corporate job replete with benefits.

So I have resolved to learn something new everyday. Thank you R! That sounds like a good way to start my life anew.
I learnt today about the 21 day rule for learning something new.
" The patterns we repeat consistently (over a 21 day period) become neurological programs that we then run on a daily basis. You are writing programs all the time, you just may be unconscious of this process."
But there are some steps you can take to increase your chances of success in any new endeavor, including:

Take small steps. Don't try to do everything at once.
Only try to change one habit at a time.
Write down the habit you want to change, and write down specific plans for achieving that goal.

Repeat the behavior you're aiming for as often as you can. The more a behavior is repeated, the more likely it is that it will become "instinctive."

I will wake up at 5 a.m and run on the terrace on Tuesday.
At work I will read up on all the firewall stuff by Tuesday EOD.

Ill come back here to check it off.
Ta then.

Is your child exactly 2 years and 10 months old?

Yes good people, it is that time of the year. Queueing up outside schools to gather forms, ferret information from other parents while in queue and get all muddled up.
For a certain school, that both me and A are sold on, Athar is 2 months younger, than the eligible age. I just assumed that, they'd ignore that minor difference, but turns out they don't.
Since my child is not exactly 2 years and 10 months old for said school, I have slumped back in resignation and am faced with the difficult task of decision making. Should we just give up on this school and opt for others, or should he just wait another year?

In which Ma has a moment and then NOT...

Ma and Athar are watching the Masterchef Australia Finale and its a fancy pastry that Andy and Julia have to put together in their bake-off.
Athar says" Ma... cake cake...verrrrrry naice".
Ma has a moment here and she asks him tenderly, "baby do you want to be a chef, painter?". Athar replies, " Ma, banana, potato", then looking at my perplexed face says confidently, "Amma, hyena...heeheeehehehe (laughs )". Yes you can be a happy hyena my son. We can make a career out of giggling, your angelic laughter.

The littlest things make you giggle...

You roll up a book and hold it between us, each of us peeking from either end. One long lashed eye meets one tired eye. you say, "Amma..." and go blink blink blink... and want me to follow suit from my end of our paper cylinder. Then, just to make things funner, i blow from my end... you roll off laughing; you say, " Ma fuuu fuu", making a fish mouth.

Perseverance

What is the one effing quality I wish I had?
You don't care to know, do you? I mean, why would you...
But hell I want to shout it off rooftops -- P-E-R-S-E-V-E-R-A-N-C-E

My old school mum would call it Determination, same difference ma, I have neither.

I will not rant an entire web-page about, how I wish I was different.

I have stated the fact. PERIOD. What do I say, my life will be a self-improvement project till whenever.

R asked me today, " Do you know what makes you happy, H?"

Hmmm...

Resolution Day- july 18th

Good Hair and skin:
Oil at least once a week.
Eat dry fruits daily.
eat 2 servings of fruits daily.
Veggie juice
Yoghurt with fenugreek.
run in the park with athar.

Free Ads here we come!

Conversation between Atharva (20 months) and Dad


Atharva: Appa appa star (pointing to his wrist where grandpa had scrawled 2 stars)

Dad: (looking at me, with surprise as there has been ongoing talk of tantrummy child)Good behavior?

Me: Note the black star-- its extra bad behavior.

Dad: (to Athar)Thats it, another black star by Thursday(deadline for FREE AD submissions) and we are selling you off on FREE ADS!

A lot of stuff is spiraling out of control... Breakdown imminent More when the fighting subsides.

when did you grow up to be 'not so into your mum'?

i was your hero. Your awestruck, open mouthed laugh, your toothy chuckle, were all reserved for mumma's silly antics. you hollering out to me, non-stop, was for me, hai na? Abhi kya hua? Now, mumma is just this headless chicken who is running all over the house to get your stuff ready before you head to day care and she rushes to work. And you dont even say Ta Ta to her eh? She demands a "buh bye" from you... Of course you come running, when I demand the said buh-bye, and plant a ' huggie' and air kiss my cheek... You are better behaved with the MIL. yes that irks me. There, I said it. IT IRKS ME NO END. You are at your worst with Dad. The mumma wants to see you progress and the MIL is always mollycoddling you, babying you. I know, you want me for your nighty nighty nap. Because as you get sleepy, my little 18 month old, you start babbling and insist on mumma singing 'Humpy Humpy... sat on the waaaaaaaaaall'. But how come,mumma is now the last option guy? Maybe that's how you are engineered;to be a 'sway along with the palm trees in the wind' kind of guy... I am trying to understand how to discipline you. Are you picking up this hitting from the TV you are subjected to?

we survived

needless to say... the title sums it all up.

What if it does happen?

I have an App discussion scheduled for tom. Not a very nice feeling but hell when is it ever. I am bracing for the worst. The app itself shouldn't be bad-- because I have worked my A** of this last year, gone above and beyond what was asked of me. In fact I have been daft enough never to say NO. I have never refused P anything. Im her servile help. I have survived cut-paste from emails clearly to steal credit. I am on the brink of taking the fall for her buddy who screwed up while taking off on matrimonial vacation. In my chat this morning when i volunteered to come in for the app discussion, she was gleeful and threw me a smiley. She said, 'you can leave in the afternoon', maybe she will have me leave for ever. I have never been laid off, in my career that spans 9 years. this will be the worst ever humiliation. will walk out head held high. If I am made a fall guy, I'm definitely definitely updating the resume -- that email stinks of lack of respect. I cant live with that. but now that I have spelled out these possibilities, its business as usual until 11 am tom. So long blogger.

Remember this

It doesn't matter how prestigious the school you went to was, how distinguished your educational qualifications are, or how famous you are. Especially when you are dishonest. It doesn't irk during the act itself-- but years later when it comes back to haunt you, by means of an expose, that's when you'd want to bury yourself ostrich-like. So do not do anything, you'll live to regret. IAS babus tainted in Adarsh.

Humiliation

while tears prick, threatening to spill over, I am amazed at the lack of respect amassed over two years in this shit hole. I have never said 'no'. I have always accommodated. Its easy to gloss over mistakes of loved ones. I need to work for a place which respects people as equals, for in respect there cant be varying degrees can there?

being fickle is second nature to me. Once abandoned, once neglected,I have come back to seek you. Of course , my first instinct was to start afresh -- like always, like that brief page on Tumblr, which is complicated as shit. That was a good year ago. Atharva, the little one, was actually little then -- now at 18 months, he is small, not little. I have a project in mind - I dare not spell it out, for fear that it'll fizzle out, like the bookworm (another ambitious project)which I haven't fully written off yet. But I have promised myself that I'll step out of my comfort zone, do things that make me uncomfortable and then conquer them -- no that's too ambitious(just like me)-- I can at least attempt to be friends with things that make me uncomfortable.